You meet the perfect person and decides to make them your partner, you are getting a good feeling about this relationship from the get-go, it should be that easy but often it isn’t; expectations and the reality of a relationship sometimes are very different, so let us see how we can get a balance between those expectations and what the reality is.
This blog is written specifically for one of my clients and I have decided to share the information with those who are committed to this website. The first thing to note is how we deal with our expectations.
It is always good to start talking about your expectations, the sooner the better.
How to Manage your Expectations.
We could call expectations, having a standard by which you operate then it is a softer tone.
Many times when we become a part of the relationship, we go in with our broken hearts and we expect that it is the responsibility of our new partner to help us in overcoming our fears if you take that approach you are putting too much burden on the relationship.
No one is perfect and you will never find a perfect partner, so when you think relationship, start your focus on the man in the mirror. We all have needs, but if we project those needs on the person we are in a relationship with chances are they will become overwhelmed with our expectations. A relationship should be a balance of give and take, not take till there’s nothing left for someone to give, once both persons are of that understanding you are Make sure to discuss how far you’re willing to go toward being someone’s “fulfilment” and how you would like, in turn, to be filled. This is very essential to setting boundaries in your relationship.
How to Navigate Intimacy
Some people like sex every morning. Some people like it in odd locations. Some do it only on holidays. Some are wild, some slow and sensual. If you and your lover don’t know where your sexual boundaries are, one or both of you might spend precious time unhappily faking sexual expression, which is a clear sign of trouble on any relationship’s horizon.
Let your needs and preferences be known, as well as how much wiggle room for experimentation exists within them. We find that many times couples are not sure how to talk about their needs about sex and it is in the middle of the act that something weird is said and done that needs addressing. It is never too late to address the subject, but if addressed early in the relationship it can eliminate the anxiety.
Let us talk about Money
Money is generally taken to be poison in matters of the heart, but money (for better or for worse; granted usually worse) is an inescapable part of human interactions whether you’re with someone or not. There used to be a huge stigma associated with a division of “romantic” funds, but many married couples now openly maintain separate bank accounts.
It isn’t an issue of mistrust or an expectancy of a failed relationship; it’s a matter of convenience. Discuss your financial boundaries early to avoid sticky entanglements later. She thinks you are tight with money, but your approach to spending is to save for a rainy day, this should be discussed, do not have the conversation in your head and expect her to understand your decision-making process as it comes on to money.
How to approach things of the Past
Simply put, your past is yours. Many people incorrectly feel that it’s their right or duty to split open a lover’s past so that everything about the lover is laid bare like parts for examination. You, however, are not an automobile; there is no title and registration in your back pocket to hand over to someone; you have no tires for kicking. Let people know that what you choose to divulge – unless non-disclosure presents a direct health risk or is otherwise threatening – your share things to your discretion. If your partner is insisting on sharing something personal and private to you, then maybe this is not the person you should be with.
Communication is important to the success of a relationship, but your partner is not a therapist and even if they are one, they still do not have the right to dig into your past and see if they can dissect you.
Family is Important
Most relationships get stuck here if you are close with your family members and your partner is not into the family it can be very uncomfortable.
Setting basic boundaries on how much each other’s family interaction impacts the relationship will prevent a lot of emergency restoration later.
How to handle Change
It is important to discuss change when setting boundaries, how do we have a conversation about change?
It is important to note that change is going to happen. Once you are of that understanding when it does then you are halfway there. You met a gorgeous woman, she has reasonable qualities, but you soon discover that she is ambivalent in her ways based on her attachment style, so she says and does hurtful things, but you know deep in your heart that she means well, what should your approach be? Accept that people change and that is okay, figure out if change may mean trouble, if it is something you cannot navigate then that is okay too, it may take several conversations to come to a compromise, what is important is that both persons are committed to the process, if that is not the case then you are wasting your time.
Make change happen for you, it just means you should focus on what you can control and see if changing the way you handle conflict can produce positive results. Sometimes change is not the issue, it is how we handle change.
Goal Setting
No one gets to tell us our dreams are worthless, even if they think they’re doing so kind-heartedly in our best interests.
Set a boundary: This is what I want to/am going to do; support is allowed, undermining is not. However in the case that your significant other may be dismissive, then it is time to talk to him/her about what is acceptable and what is not in a fight before the fighting starts. If you are in the middle of the fight and they allow emotions to take over, then that may not be the best time to remind your partner of the rules, wait until you both are calm and say it. The real issue is when you keep reminding and there is no improvement then you know you have a problem.
Children and Pets
It is never too early to talk about pets and children, you do not have to wait until a couple of months in and you are sure this is the person you want to spend your life with, jump on the talk about additions early. Are you willing to bring children into the relationship? Pets?
These are generally hard and fast boundaries everyone brings to a relationship, but are unwilling to bring up unless they have to. Adding to a relationship unit is a huge deal and shouldn’t be left to chance.
Talk about who and what you’re willing to allow past your boundaries into the relationship.
Finally
Those are just a few things you should talk about, there are others but you can start there. Some things need to be discussed fairly early on in a relationship because they may play a big role in yours and your partner’s happiness and the overall health of your union.
When you feel the time has come to discuss a particular boundary, make sure to do so when you are free from distractions and when you are both relaxed and open to each other’s point of view.
Other things can wait until they need to be raised. It’s not necessary, for instance, to state categorically that you will not tolerate being shouted at until/unless you find yourself in that situation. If you have found yourself in the situation, do not match tone for tone, do not allow your partner to feel they are not worth it and they need to fix it or you do not want any part of it if you are done then go, but if you are staying there is no reason to keep reminding your partner of your feelings for their bad behaviour.
Even then, it is best to wait for things to calm down so that you and your partner can talk with less emotional energy to confuse things.
If you want your partner to abide by your boundaries, you must make them clear and easily understood. There is little room for ambiguity and grey areas if these things mean a lot to you. Get your partner to repeat back what they think your boundary is. This will allow you to be sure that they have understood.
When expressing your boundaries, use “I” statements rather than “you” statements.
An example of that is… “I would prefer it if your Mother phoned first before coming round.”
Rather than: “You need to tell your mother to phone before she comes round.” It is essential to remember this.
There may come a point when one of your strict boundaries has been crossed… sometimes you will say, but we spoke about this and in the heat of the moment, they seem deviant. Either way, there will come a time when you need to show that there are consequences to their actions. Timing is important with this reaction, but they must be reminded because if you don’t, they will continue to ignore your boundaries.
For some things, your partner needs to know the consequences before the first infraction.
If, for example, you simply cannot accept any form of cheating whatsoever, you have to make it clear from the get-go that you will end the relationship should this occur. Other times, you may need to discuss the consequences of a repeated violation of a less important boundary.
So if they stay out late with friends without even consulting you, you can make it clear that if they do so again, they should expect to spend more time with your family as a result.
People change. Relationships change. Boundaries change.
Clearly-communicated, healthy boundaries bring couples together in the knowledge that they can talk without fear of recrimination or unfair judgment.
When we’re able to see that setting boundaries within a relationship doesn’t limit it but strengthens it, the juvenile fantasy that someone has to be open and completely ours gives way to the more adult appreciation of our loved ones as individuals.
Asking and respecting are key components in any relationship, and the reality is we all have boundaries, we simply don’t always resolve to state them or, sometimes, even examine them.
Discussing boundaries shouldn’t be seen as a forecast of trouble, but rather putting trust and faith in reality lasting longer than unbounded fantasy.
Dedicated to a loyal client… CamCoc.
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