Do you want to change the situation? This article today was inspired by a conversation I was having with a client of mine. The only way sometimes to change your situation is to change the story of yourself and so the only struggle you could have is in finding the discipline.
Some of us tell ourselves that the relationship is over because we made some mistakes and we convince ourselves that the habits that lead to a breakup or a part of our DNA and there is no hope of change.
Most of our confidence comes in the way we talk to ourselves, Change the Situation by Changing your Narrative can be done simply by our self talk.
Here are a few steps to changing your narrative, many of which may surprise you.
1. Change Your Narrative With a Growth Mindset
Carol Dweck, the foremost researcher on the subject, compares growth and fixed mindsets. She says that a growth mindset is one in which we see failures as opportunities to grow and learn.
A fixed mindset, on the other hand, believes that there is nothing you can do to improve. It says people can’t change, you’re stuck with your flaws, and failure is a sign of weakness.
Fixed mindset people will say, “that’s just the way I am,” instead of stretching outside their comfort zones to learn and grow.
Changing your narrative means embracing the possibility that you can learn new things. You are not limited by what you’ve already done, and you can withstand the discomfort it takes to discover something new.
2. Understand the beginning of Your Present Narrative
A difficult beginning will always contribute to a mindset. Our care-givers are normally the ones responsible for the strengths and weaknesses that we develop but after introspection we can identify the weaknesses and with information we can empower ourselves to greatness.
Let your past stay in your past and use the information of your past to decide how you grow as an individual. So instead of taking chances, you become apprehensive and afraid of making mistakes and taking a chance is out of the question.
Often, the critical voice inside your head is an extension of authority figures from your past. If you were told you couldn’t do certain things or witnessed your parents being overly fearful, you might take on an anxious internal narrative. So you messed up with the love of your life, your partner left because of a misunderstanding of your love and so you need to convince him/her that he/she may have made a mistake about you, then change your narrative. This will not only help you in getting your ex to see you for who you are, but it will make you into the person you truly want to be.
Changing your narrative means challenging that voice and creating a new one of your own. You do this by unveiling evidence to support your new story.
3. How to Create your Story
Changing your story just means you are going to be making sense of things that have happen in the past. Most like to brush things under the carpet, by suppressing you will be stuck in your ways forever, so you dig and although it could be an unpleasant experience, once you can make sense of it, you can change the impact it has on you today and tomorrow.
The parents who brought you up may have given you food and shelter, it is difficult to see that parent as responsible for some of your insecurities and so we avoid having the conversations in our head, but being objective about the past is not throwing your parents under the bus or not being appreciative of their sacrifice, they were certainly not perfect, no one is, but if you are going to change your narrative then you will have to face the story of your past both the good and the bad.
Perhaps, they have shown quite the opposite with rejection, abandonment, and putting you in frightening situations. You must be willing to speak the truth about your past to create a brighter future.
4. What about the Expectations?
We have expectations in life, and most are created by what we know and experience. The placebo effect is how this is described and we can do something about how things impact us through our expectations, that is the power of our minds.
The same principle applies to your internal narrative’s influence on your outcomes. You get what you expect rather than what you deserve. If you begin to expand your possibilities and expect more out of life, you will get it. There is no point in not doing anything with the expectation that change will come. Disappearing from hard talk, getting angry when faced with challenges, being defensive of yourself when criticized will not get you to change how you impact people, the love of your life, and children if you have kids.
Positive self talk can have negative effect if you do not believe what you are saying to yourself, so the power of how to apply our expectations are different from self talk. Researchers everywhere have attested to this, so when faced with challenges we try something different and after a couple weeks we are back to our old self, because that is what we know and we get comfortable with it.
Just because something happened in the past, for example, does not mean it will happen the same way in the future.
5. Avoid the Missing Tooth Component.
Just very recently I met up with an old friend. We spoke for more than an hour, to date I cannot remember a single thing that was said because she has a missing tooth. Yup, she is a very pretty and intelligent lady but for some reason I just could not get my mind around the missing tooth and that is how some of us are. We focus so much on what is missing that we take not time in appreciating and developing with we have going for us.
Gratitude is not the same as pretending things are different from what they are. You simply choose to focus more on what you have than what you’re missing.
Changing your narrative to one of abundance will bring in more of what you want. In the same way, increasing your expectations will attract better outcomes, and gratitude for your current circumstances will have a similar effect.
6.Understanding Compassion and what It Means
Most times we are our hardest critic, the reason why we are challenged in moving forward is because of our own opinion of ourselves. So many things could have contributed to our messaging but let us focus on what the main message is, that message that can hold us back and prevent us from having that internal boost that will propel confidence and an healthy self-esteem.
What this means really is for you to offer to yourself the same support and encouragement you would offer to your friend or a family member. You remember that friend that messed up really bad? They came to you devastated and hopeless and you were able to say, “All is not lost, no matter how bad it seems, you can pick yourself up and get going again”. In marriages, in relationships, we will get our hearts broken, but we do not give up on love, we keep going and if it means reinvention then we have the confidence in knowing that life is dynamic and nothing is set in stone when it comes on to the functions of the brain. Change the Situation by Changing your Narrative
When you fail at something that was important to you, remember the importance of a growth mindset. Failure provides evidence of your effort and courage to stretch outside your comfort zone.
7. Understanding the Range of Emotions
We have a tendency to put our emotions in category as bad and good emotions. Emotions are neither bad or good, it is how you react to the different emotions that decides and so as we grow up we will see how people react to the different situations they face in life. For those who can remain calm under the stress of a breakup, an accident of any sort, death, etc. are the ones who we can learn from, they would appear to have it all together.
Embrace your emotions, accept them all as yours.
When we feel “bad,” we tend to rationalize our feelings or shame ourselves for feeling them.
Rationalizing looks like: “It’s not so bad,” “Other people have it worse,” or “I’ll get past this soon.” All are true in the long run but not authentic to how you feel in the moment.
Practicing mindfulness meditation will help you stay present with your feelings without judging them. Rather than fighting with your thoughts, you simply observe and accept them.
Research shows that meditation helps reduce anxiety, which, in turn, creates more clarity and confidence. Change the Situation by Changing your Narrative
Conclusion
As I am writing and researching I am talking to myself. This journey is not going to be easy, especially when we have to interact with friends and family who appear to think they know us. Just today I had a conversation with a relative of mine, just reaching out to say hi and he wanted to share a book, to tell me when to visit my mother and who I need to interact with and it never stops!
Your ex is going to tell you who you are and how you will never change, and it goes on and on.
Listen to yourself, let your voice be the strongest voice in your head and remember no matter what anyone has to say, you are created in the image of God and you can be anything you want to be.
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