They say that breaking up is hard to do, whether the relationship is great or not, it is hard to tell someone that you are moving on. Some persons are experts on breaking up and so they shared their methods and so I will share the method with you. How you break it off, where you break it off and the time of day when you decide to break it off are all very important.
There are those relationships that are so toxic that you just want to scream at the person and end it, but that is not recommended, that is saying more about you than the person you intend to break from. After listening to your intrinsic voice, what is it saying? Once you are sure that it is time for the breakup then start documenting your feelings.
1. Make sure you apply the right method to the length of the relationship.
You have gone on a couple of dates and you decide to commit to each other, a few months in you decide that this is not what you bargained for in that case you can just end it by calling the person up and ending it, safe enough and you can prevent the awkward conversation by looking in those disappointed eyes, but the relationship is now going over three years and you are sure things have changed and you want out, then the approach has to be different. Most experts would agree that it should be face to face … try to give them that common courtesy because it may make all the difference in their healing process to feel of enough importance to get a face-to-face. You may ask the question so why should I care about their healing, and the answer to that is the way you break up says a lot about your character, your kindness and understanding will follow you into other experiences. How to end a relationship is just as important as how to begin one.
2. Make it Short and Sweet
It is never easy especially when the other person is begging for a second or third chance. Providing a long list of reasons for breaking it off will only crush the person and that should be avoided, you just want them to know that it is not working for you, it is never all about the other person’s fault, it is a combination of things including your desires and it is not on just one person to fulfil the desires of one person.
To ensure your reason comes across as kindly as possible, frame it in an “I” statement like “I feel like I’m not a good fit for you anymore” or “I need to focus more on my career, my family, myself than on our relationship.” It may even be helpful to write down your main reason for breaking up so you don’t get caught up in the emotion of the moment.
3. Timing is Important
You may have decided to break up and you know the reason, why not just do it now! Get it over with, but if you have the patience and the flexibility to wait for the right moment then wait. I really cannot say when that is for you but I know for sure that if you are feeling anxious and unprepared then that may not be the right time. Some of us are so patient that the person will say, so let us break up then taking responsibility for the breakup when you were the one that initiated the conversation, now that is a super skill.
4. Try not to have an Argument
An argument will derail all your plans, you may even get angry and say things that are never good to say during the time of breaking up. The best approach is to put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge their feelings are valid, even if they manifest aggressively. If you feel like you’re on the verge of breaking into an argument, remove yourself from the situation. You can conclude with, “I understand you’re upset with me, but I think spending some time apart is best for both of us right now, so I’m going to leave.” If they try to stop you, stay firm and stick to that statement. By repeatedly giving them a dead end, this will show you’re not here to rehash the relationship, only to end it.
The best one I have heard is the person using a metaphor, how to end a relationship by using a metaphor is skilful and so it started off by being on a highway and they missed the turn and had to just keep going, now they are at a crossroads and will not miss the turn again, it played out well, but I was still angry at being told I was not relevant anymore (smirk).
5. Do unto others… the rule of Love
Try to think if someone was breaking up with you, how you would want them to do it? “You don’t want the final moments of your relationship to amount to frustration, anger, sadness, guilt.” Says Coach Natalie, chances are, neither does the other person. So while your break up probably won’t be mutual, it should be mutually respectful. Even if your ex can’t do that for you because they’re in too much pain, you can still do that for them.
Everyone processes a breakup process differently, but many experts agree that ex-partners should cease communication as soon as possible. “I would also go straight into no contact the moment it’s over,” Coach Natalie says. “It’s important for you to let them heal, for you to distance yourself, and not to flip flop with your decision.” While I am not a believer in no contact for various reasons, there are times when it is necessary, this is not malice, it is just staying away for a time so that the individual can heal properly, no checking up to see how they are coping, they are going to be just fine.
Let me hope you find love in 2020, a failed relationship does not make you a failure. Dedicated to SN.