There is a saying we all know that you will find love when you are not looking for it. Sounds good in writing but when you explore the concept that cannot be true.
I thought about what she should look like, my list was long but I honestly thought it was reasonable. Without doing the introspection I decided I wanted what was portrayed in Hollywood and that was enough for me. I thought I found her, she was perfect in a sense and so we got married, it was not too long into the marriage that I knew this was going to take a lot of work to be a good and healthy marriage and so within the second year of the marriage love under the stars was over.
That will be our first lesson, stop looking for a soul mate and make the search about finding yourself. I know that sounds like a contradiction but if you explore it maybe it isn’t. When my ex and I decided to go our separate ways I felt like I was literally suffocating, that my other half was gone, I will never be whole again, the irony was I was left with picking p the pieces of myself and guess what? I found me, I was a really good guy, but I never really took the time to discover me because I was always looking for love under the stars.
Love under the stars
I started to find comfort in my music, I hated my job because I was not interested in working to pay the bills, I wanted to do it because I enjoyed it, so I would struggle to work every day, so when my boss approached me about redundancy I was scared a little but I knew I had to accept it, what was my choice, I was not happy.
When I started to discover more about myself and to follow my own path, I started to live a life that was meaningful to me. I was no longer following someone else’s rules and ideas about what I should do. I could literally feel the chains falling from my feet when I was getting ready to leave my work of employment, 23 years and counting.
This can disappoint some people close to you, such as your family. My dad never thought I was going to make it, I made some many mistakes, lost millions of dollars trying to do my own business, but I felt a freedom that you can only read about in books. But if you want to find fulfilment in your life, you have to fulfil yourself, not someone else!
Then a miracle happened, I started to feel better and looked better, I was getting compliments from persons everywhere. I must say this was not the case immediately after leaving a large company, my mind was still not accustomed to not getting a big salary at the end of the month, so I was investing in the business to stay on track with what I would get, big mistake, I was stressed out and just like that, the money all dried up.
It was said in the Tiny Budhae and I quote, “You don’t need to be a particular weight or have large biceps or wear uncomfortable shoes if you don’t like them. Go to the gym only if you love it, do yoga if you love it, walk or surf or cycle if you enjoy those activities.
A partner who you will be with over the long term will not make a decision about your worth based on a superficial aspect of your appearance. So tap into what feels right for you, do the activities you enjoy, wear the clothes that suit you and in which you feel comfortable.
You will be far more attractive to your partner if you look like yourself when you meet them.”
Family means so much to me, so much so that I would be uncomfortable with who I am and my achievements based on their definition. A failed marriage was not going to be forgiven, even if I did the best I could to preserve my marriage. I can remember those awful years when I held on to a marriage that just was not working because how would I face the family, I had to be an example for my brothers, my sister while I was dying inside.
It was then that I realized that we all have hidden or disowned parts of ourselves that at some point we need to unearth.
When we haven’t yet unearthed and embraced our disowned parts, we are drawn into relationships with others who express those parts. It is like we are unconsciously trying to complete ourselves through our relationships.
These relationships usually involve intense attraction at first and are characterized by feelings of completeness. But inevitably, they become stifled by strong relationship patterns that form where people get stuck relating to one another from one main part of themselves that bonds with its opposite in the other person. These are called “bonding patterns.”
Your relationship can only be transformed if you own up to the things about yourself that you are ashamed of and not expect your partner to fill in those gaps, your expectation will become unrealistic and your relationship will fail. Love under the stars can be real, there can be bliss but only if you are comfortable in your own skin.
I was on my laptop when I received a call from an old friend, what she said to me was very open and straightforward, no going around the bend, I knew what she wanted and my only concern at the time was I was already in a relationship I thought was heading in the wrong direction. I knew I had to do something and so that became my mission. That was how I met my wife.
The secret was I stopped looking for a life partner and was only interested in connecting with people, Whether it develops into something or not should not be your focus, just focus on building common interest, if it’s there you will find it, a natural feeling and a lack of fear in being and expressing yourself.
There is really no rush to it, just allow the friendship to unfold.
When I asked her to marry me it felt natural and not rushed, things do not have to be perfect, there is really no such thing as perfection, but nothing compares to the feeling of being on the path of self-discovery.
As a relationship therapist and dealing with thousands of persons in relationships I have come to one conclusion, there is no need for games, seduction and bribery if you truly want to find true love under the stars, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone you had to manipulate to be with you, why would you want to be with someone you had to beg to be with, to show your assets in justifying your value?
Each relationship is unique, just as each person is unique, so how your relationship unfolds will be unique too. You can’t plan for it to go a particular way. You have to engage with the process of it and with each other, and then make decisions as you go. There is no one line you can say, no one action you can take, that will lead to a particular result.
Be the best version of yourself and I am sure your relationship with feel like you are under the stars. Nothing can prevent your relationship from working if you are investing in yourself, not even a pandemic.