Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together.” ~Unknown I want to leave but I love her.
Human beings are genetically programmed to desire love. Embraces are as important to us as food and water.
Perhaps that’s why when we find someone—the wrong someone—we’re often too blind to see it.
We feel it and yet we hide it away, write it off as an odd case of commitment phobia or just a hiccup in our new relationship, oblivious to the fact that we’re heading into a future of sleepless nights, constant worrying, and consistent phone checking.
Even when every hidden fibre within us tells us to walk away, we stay.
I experienced something similar. We first met back in high school, different people from completely different worlds. Her name is _________, I am calling her name because it is real to me, (too funny) just recently I had a conversation with an old friend and so the story is fresh in my mind.
Fast forward five years and we meet again. This time she’s in college and I’m a blogger trying to figure out his calling.
We meet for drinks, tea, a movie here and there, and before you know it we’re walking hand in hand. I’ve met her friends, her parents, even her grandparents. To someone on the outside, this looks like something every healthy couple would do, except we weren’t healthy—far from it.
She always had her phone, and yet my texts remained unanswered. She only wanted to hang out on occasional evenings, routinely made plans without following through on them, was never where she said she was, yet still referred to me as her man when we met someone she knew.
She was a girl that sucked at communicating, and I was the guy that needed it, she was always talking about herself, there is no interest in who I am and what I was doing, but I was smitten, so allowed her to talk.
She was physical, I emotional. She wanted convenience; I wanted something that swept me off my feet.
It was a relationship doomed from the start; I was just too stubborn to see it.
I would find myself constantly asking for advice, yet always heard the same thing over and over. Get out of there. Leave. My excuses remained the same. She works all day. She is busy. I just wasn’t ready to admit the truth to myself. Ignorance at its finest.
Even when I dared to bring up the things that bothered me, somehow she’d challenge all my worries. “I’m just not a texter,” she’d say. “I prefer conversations face to face.” Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that response. It was the dishonesty I felt behind it.
I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship, yet she’d confirm that we were. She seemed to know exactly what to say to get me to stay.
I couldn’t see that I was the only one putting in the effort. I made sure I was always there for her when she needed me, I listened to her, even surprised her at work with breakfast, putting myself out there, hoping that she would one day reciprocate.
She only talked about herself during our conversations, and when it came time for me to share, she seemed distant and uninterested in what came out of my mouth.
She was bound to a different city in the fall, and with her lack of communicating there was a deep nagging feeling that it was only a short time before I had my heart broken again.
I had wanted a relationship to work out so bad that I had chosen to ignore all the warning signs that this one wasn’t right.
Even when she left for a month and I suspected she’d cheat on me, I still stayed. Why? I could only draw one conclusion: I had been treated like that so many times before, I expected it. And I believed it was all I had to look forward to.
Though I tried to explain to myself that I deserved so much better, I wasn’t willing to hear it.
But one day I surprised myself. I became more independent. I began to pull away from her. Her texts would go unanswered for hours; my obedience to go to her whenever she called began to wane.
I stopped initiating conversations and instead sat back and began to enjoy all the things I had ignored. I made a list of things I had always wanted to do and did them (I recommend you do the same). It kept my mind off things and opened my eyes to the truth.
As time passed, I would like to think, she became the one that needed me; she had just realized it too late. I want to leave is now becoming, I can leave!
I questioned whether or not she had treated me that way because she knew I would always be there for her; then, when I no longer was, she wanted that same caring person back. Had I been nothing but a convenience for her the entire time? I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I will say this much, the minute you start the person a priority again there is a guarantee that they will take you for granted again, something in their nature.
When it came time for me to explain, my answer was simple: My gut knew it wasn’t going to work from day one, but falling head over heels for her at first, I chose to ignore it.
I guess I just wanted so badly for things to work out I didn’t bother to think about how unhappy I was; I chose to mask all hurt with a small smile and laughter.
Life can be confusing and cruel sometimes, but a fantasy can’t hide the truth, no matter how badly you want it to.
No one deserves to be pushed to sidelines, to feel like second best. If something is telling you to stay away if even the smallest of your radars begin to go off, walk away.
Leave knowing that you dodged a barrage of emotional bullets instead of realizing you had to fight to keep your head afloat to keep from drowning. Sometimes we feel it from the get-go, hoping that it will change if it is happening for too long, chances are, it will not change.
If someone wants to be in your life, you shouldn’t have to change anything about yourself to keep them. I want to leave but I love her. Loving someone is not the essence of your decision, the way you feel about them is not a factor of principle but you should be drowned to someone who respects you and your feelings.
If they are willing to get to know you, they will. Period. All the wrong people may step into your life, and each one will no doubt leave their emotional scars, but when the right one comes? You’ll know. You’ll feel it.
I was lucky enough to have a best friend who stuck by me even when I chose to ignore all her warnings. When I finally realized my mistake, she simply smiled and asked if I wanted to go to Devon House for icecream, I could not resist.
Friends like that are so important to have in your life. Coming from a hopeless romantic who prefers books and writing to real people, this was hard to admit. It is always good when we have someone we can talk to. Talk to us…
I am happily married now, my wife is the best, had it not been for several failed relationships, maybe I would not appreciate her as much as I do.
We all need to learn for ourselves to truly grow. Even as much as we would like to save someone from the heartache they will no doubt experience, we need to take a step back, wait, and console them when they need it.
I am saying this to you, take the time to remember why you are doing this, the void you feel will never be filled by the man/woman you love if you do not love yourself first.
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