Choosing the right one can be very difficult or easy depending on your values, your background, and your attachment. Too often we have a dream and then we are asked to place that dream into our reality and sometimes we struggle. The caring, nurturing side of a woman will put her at a disadvantage when it comes on to choosing her man. It doesn’t have to be a hit and miss.
If you’re hung up on a man who can’t commit or won’t commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect “if only” he changed such and such, then you’re setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want. What is he really thinking?
I was sitting in the living room of my parent’s house, my sister came home and had a real nervous look on her face, so she called me into her room to ask a favour. She met a guy that she fell for, however, mum and dad were never going to approve, so she wanted me to meet the guy first and then sell him to my parents. So that is how it all begins. You meet someone and for some reason something clicks, you are not sure what it is, but you exchange numbers and you are constantly checking your phone hoping he is going to call. He does with that nice voice you heard when you first heard him talk, the image of him is still swirling around in your mind and what a coincidence, the guy is perfect. You do not want to wait, this has got to be it, at least my sister was sure, she only met the guy four weeks before wanting to show him off to the world.
Who is this guy? She was not asking is he the right man for me? She was telling me that he is and I should convince mum and dad that he is. So I get to know what he wants me to know, at least from the surface he seems like a nice guy, but I am not the one who will be dating him. After a few days I decide against my better judgment to share with mum and dad that my sister met someone and he appears to be a good guy, they buy into it as they trust my judgment, I am feeling guilty but that is fine, at least my sister is happy.
In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for a romance novel that spoke about a couple who met and decided to go on a couple of dates, never arguing, mostly supportive of each other, no cheating and the relationship is as steady as she goes? I doubt it, but the drama, what would we do if there was no drama, no risk needed, just two persons going about their relationship securely and thoughtfully, now that is boring.
That is the guy we are going to choose, dreamy eyes with some mystery to him. He doesn’t call when he said he would, you cannot seem to get a whole of him when you need him, and the kicker, he never invites you to his home and if you ask he gives an excuse that would make Pinocchio seem like an angel. You still cannot shake him, so you try to change him, you can because he loves you (really?).
There is a reason sometimes we are drawn to someone that is not necessarily good for us, the good is we know when that is happening, but the strength in preventing our hearts from going there is really what we should be talking about. For centuries this has been so, it is nothing new.
Theory. Imago relationship therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. After Hendrix signed his divorce papers he started to develop the theory. It states, Instead of writing this all down, take a listen:
On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanour. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.
You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.
Here are some things you can look for when keeping an eye out for the right one:
He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
make him feel even closer to you.
He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.
He thinks about you when making decisions. A relationship is a partnership, nothing else will do. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we don’t have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.
He has potential. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and white—usually, a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behaviour affects you as your his, and sometimes his less developed traits will harm you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say it’s your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.
You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth-oriented he will at least try.
You both are compatible in the right areas. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that you’re both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.
Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.
He sees you as his friend and partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.
He respects everything about you—your thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.
Your happiness is important to him. One of the man’s most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but it’s true. To truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isn’t loving. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.
Even in conflict he respects you. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.
Commitment is on his mind. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say he’ll get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.
My sister’s heart was broken, I was right there to say to her, he doesn’t define who you are and she is happily married today. When a man is ready for a serious committed relationship, it is written all over his face, he plans with you in mind, he takes your feelings into consideration, there is no guessing or spelling. He is consistent and predictable. The choice is everything, you have the power to choose someone worthy and wonderful into your life, take your time and choose wisely.
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