I have had my fair share of breakups, they say you will forgive your past but it is difficult to forget, I can still remember the experiences as they were yesterday. The emotional rollercoaster, the foggy feeling and weakness of mind are words that cannot even begin to express the feeling you get after the breakup.
Letting go after a bad break is what is suggested, but you never want to hear it. The breakup I would like to share was my first year in college. We were together during my last year in High School and both with dreams of being together during college, graduating together and the whole 9 yards. I felt I was lucky to have her, she was a little out of my league, but I was not sure exactly why I thought so at the time.
I was not able to afford my first year in college, so I decided to work through that year in a school workers programme that was available to students, she was, on the other hand, fortunate to have parents who could afford to send her through college.
Her eyes were very sad, she wanted to talk to me about the future of the relationship and was very disturbed about me working my first year through college, it was not a good look for her, and so she ended it, just like that she was gone.
I am not going to try and describe the feeling, because if you are going through hurt as you are reading this then you know exactly what I am talking about, the thought of death was easier than the feeling of being rejected by someone you grew to love and respect.
My torture did not last a month, but there are those of you who may be going through this pain for months, some even years and you must be wondering if something is wrong with you, but I am here to tell you that nothing is wrong with you, people grieve differently, there are just some things to bear in mind.
Letting go doesn’t mean you are going to forget the person, but let go from the control of trying to get over your pain. Makes no sense doesn’t it?
Psychology teaches us that there are five emotional stages of loss. According to the famous Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, there’s a process:
1. Denial – This cannot be real, I am sure she is coming back to say she was sorry and we should give it another chance, she never even flinched. I had to adjust quickly to the change, she may or may not come back, I have to go on.
2. Anger – She is a ____, for doing this, I hate her for breaking my heart, how could she leave because I cannot afford college, I am here, that is a start isn’t it? But I had to quickly realize that persons can leave for any reason, heck! They do not even need a reason.
3. Bargaining – I saw her walking up the driveway of the campus, she had her hair out, she was looking gorgeous, so I decided I was going to write her a letter, I was going to fight for her. I wrote maybe 6 or 7 letters, she received none and I am kind of happy I did not send a letter, a second rejection would have been too much me, I am not suggesting you do not send your letter, you can get some help with that if you are still too emotional, but for some reason, I took her seriously. I was unhappy that I was not able to afford college in the first year, I was unhappy with my look, what if I did that differently, maybe we would still be together.
Depression – that is how it is labelled, but for me, there was this feeling of sadness every day that I could not shake, why would she do this? I went to the canteen, I remembered our times together eating at Cafe, that song! Just turn off the radio, every girl with a similar hairstyle reminded me of her, when am I ever going to get over this. For weeks I felt like a zombie.
Acceptance – Then came the other girl! She reminded me of how handsome I was, that I am talented and easy to talk to. I was not sure about her but she was good for my ego, the rest is secret but I thought, I am going to be just fine, I can make it, the taste of food is okay again, I can laugh again and not feel I am faking it. I saw her and my heart did not skip a beat at all, in fact, she saw me with the other girl and despite there was nothing going on, I felt a little victory.
So where do we go from here?
I was with the new girl everywhere, we became really good friends.
- We did fun things together.
- It was fun going to choir practice again
- Supplements, you got to take them, losing your appetite and resorting to alcohol and cigarettes will only hurt your body.
- Decrease your exposure to them, I just tried to avoid going places that I knew should be at, it was difficult at first but after a while, you will feel better, those days there was no Facebook or Instagram, getting over an ex was easier.
- I played volleyball, Cricket and Football, sometimes a little Lawn Tennis, exercise? There is nothing like it.
Talk to a professional or coach on this. You can talk to us for a free evaluation.
- Look at all the positives of leaving that person. They may have been amazing in some way, but so are many other people in the world. What do you gain from no longer being with that person? This is a tricky one since you may be replaying all the things you miss about them in your head. I realized I did not have to live up to an expectation and I had more time to spend with me, some relationships can suck the energy out of you, but not until you are out of it that you realize how much it has.
- Journal your feelings. I get it, guys do not really do that, but we do or you can talk to someone, they can hold you accountable if you are slipping, we sometimes regress.
Letting go after a bad break
Breakups are miserable but only as much as we let them affect us. I got over her, it was not easy but I did so in considerable time. I chose to understand that she wasn’t for me and I took my sorrows to the gym. I also sought supporting friends who turned on fog lights to clear the emotional fog. It helped. “Hey Baron, I saw her the other day, she was not looking so good” What would I do without good friends, LOL!
I encourage you to be hopeful in your situation. The time will pass. You will heal, and things will get better. I can look back and laugh about it now, but it has taught me that irrespective of how much someone means to you, you can get over them. The experience sucked big time, but I am thankful for it, I am a stronger more aware human being than I was before the breakup.