Whenever we begin a new relationship, there appear to be certain games that many of us play, consciously or unconsciously. It can be maddening.
It was my first experience with this; I was so excited about a new relationship that had been going on for two months. I accidentally called the wrong number, and the conversation started. For some reason, there was something sensuous about her voice, and it was infectious; the daydreaming started based on a tone of voice and a conversation.
Meeting her for the first time was magical; she was a hit; in fact, she was more amazing than I could ever imagine; it was not difficult to fall for a woman so stunning.
We went out a couple of times, and we were in a steady relationship within the month. There were times I felt fear; what if I said or done anything wrong that would turn her off, so I listened and tried to provide the things she said she liked. There were qualities about me that I was afraid to express, but I thought it necessary to hold back until I was comfortable enough to share.
It’s the question that keeps so many of us from pursuing our hearts and our feelings, the ‘what ifs’.
Yeah, I said it, “I love you!” it came out of me like a bolt of lightning, and I felt this energy when she said it back to me, gosh, so this is what love feels like?
We had our first argument, something ridiculous in my book, but just like that, after a couple of months, my first love was gone. I was beside myself, asking questions of friends who advised not to go after her, it would send the wrong message, some said ‘to go for it, write a letter, send a note of apology even if you think you did nothing wrong; what was I supposed to do? The pain was unbearable.
Games People Play
I don’t have the answers even after many years of my first heartbreak. Still, I find the whole thing intriguing. After all, we’re so often concerned with our own self-protection that we may end up sabotaging a relationship’s real potential because we are afraid of being ourselves. We’re so concerned about being hurt; we deny the possibility of the reality to be happy. I’d call it self-sabotaging, but that’s too dramatic. I’m not always certain people make these decisions consciously, either; it may very well be an unconscious reaction or behaviour, occurring “at the moment.”
Now that I look back at my reaction to hurt, I wonder why I could not just be myself, speak my truth and leave it alone, let the chips fall where they may. We should be governed by our passions and desires, and the right person is out there. We do not have to force or pretend to be who we are not. I wish that we could be honest with ourselves, be honest with others in our lives and put an end to such games, but the games will continue as long as we are afraid of rejection, failure and heartbreak.