There are several versions that talk about the no contact rule, most use this method in an attempt in getting their lover back, sometimes it works and sometimes not, so what it is about us that after a break the first move is to do whatever it takes in getting our ex back?
So first thing is to rebuild the foundations of your own life whilst allowing your ex too cool off. So far so good right? Right now you may be thinking I’m heartbroken, I want them back so how can I even think of working on myself?
The fear of losing this person is the first thing on your mind, you think that putting distance is only going to hurt any chance for reconciliation, however they treat you with scant regard, you call they hang up, you text they do not reply, you send a card, they send it back, however you will be persistent because anything else you will lose them.
The no contact rules states that you give them some time to cool down maybe 30 days and then reach out with a card or text.
Truth is if someone is done they are done, there is no space or contact that is going to bring them back. What normally happens with space the ex will get the time to process (think). Without the anger and you pressing them for answers they will process the relationship’s strength and weaknesses and when they are ready they will reach out, directly or indirectly just be ready for it.
It is what you do with your time while you are not in contact with this person that will give your relationship a chance to work the second time around.
No contact is not about your ex-girlfriend, it is about you. It is not a weapon you can use to wage war with your ex nor does it magically inject happiness into your life. Your happiness is your own business. No contact is about reclaiming control and responsibility for that area of your life.
Your happiness is your own business. No contact is about reclaiming control and responsibility over that area of your life.
No contact is about accepting that you are no longer connected to your ex-girlfriend and letting go of the connection you once shared. How they respond or interpret your decision to sever communications is their business, not yours. No contact is not a statement. It is a stage one needs to go through and it is a process in and of itself.
No contact is not a statement. It is a stage one needs to go through and it is a process in and of itself.
No contact is about you deciding that you are going to take measures to no longer to get hurt by maintaining a relationship that hurts you more than it does you any good. It is about grabbing the steering wheel and taking back control over your life.
Why The No Contact Rule Works
I often get the question “Does the no contact rule work?”.
The answer is, it depends on what your goals are. Some guys haven’t reached their tipping point and are still holding on the hope of reconciliation. Their goal is to get back with their ex-girlfriends, and in that case, this rule won’t help you.
If you’re committed to getting over your ex and you’ve decided that no one person is worth all this pain, then the no contact rule can work for you.
Now, no contact is hard. Let me warn you. It is super hard. It goes against your very nature not to turn to the person that you were so intimate with when you are upset.
But you must realize, on a rational level, that further contact with them will cause more negative feelings and feed into a negative spiral. You have to realize: the very thing you used to rely on for comfort is now the source of discomfort.
No contact is so hard because your body is craving for interaction with your ex-girlfriend. But your body doesn’t “know” that the mode of interaction with your ex-girlfriend has changed. Your body doesn’t “know” that you’ve broken up.
The scientific explanation is that you’re feeling withdrawal symptoms to a love addiction. Researchers have identified similarities in the way love affects your brain to the way a cocaine addition does. In many cases, the same neural pathways are activated.
Love, however, can be a tremendously positive force in your life. But as soon as the love is not reciprocated, the addiction changes from a positive, constructive force, to a negative, destructive one. You are now, all of a sudden, an addict displaying some of the worst and most intense withdrawal symptoms, longing for another hit of the addictive substance: your ex-girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the best thing to do is to abstain from the addictive substance.
Renowned anthropologist Helen Fisher did an experiment where the brain activity in recently dumped college students was monitored while they were given pictures of their exes to look at. Turn out viewing a picture would light up their brains like fireworks, eliciting a strong emotional response. This is what’s happening in your brain every single time you see or hear about your ex – contacting her will likely elicit an even larger response.
No Contact, But How Long?
Going no contact forever is an incredibly daunting idea. How are you supposed to never talk to or see this other person again, when you still long for them? The answer is: start small. Go no contact for 30 days and observe how it changes the way you think, see and feel. Before no contact guys tend to have this irrational tunnel vision mentality where nothing else matters but her. You have become reliant on your ex-girlfriend in some way, and by doing so you have divested an amount of your care and safety to her. That’s okay, it happened to all of us. But now is the time to reclaim those responsibilities.
At first, it is terrifying and lonely, and you will be infused with the past. But as time goes by you will notice more things about the present. You might notice that you think about her when you’re tired, or sick. But the pain this time around has nothing to do with her. Anything painful will strike the same chord which was struck so violently when you broke up. But slowly you’ll come to understand that this new pain, has nothing to do with the old pain. It’s something in the present that concerns you, no longer what happened in the past.
A month of no contact can seem very daunting. Once you’ve completed 30 days, try another 30 days, or even go for a 60 day no contact rule. Don’t try to ‘never talk to her again’, the very concept can be too painful right now. You need to approach this in segments, pushing yourself a little bit further every day.
And further down the road, you will realize that you no longer think of her as your ex. Thinking of her that way implies ownership, whereas people we were involved with do not belong to us or own us. You don’t have an ex taxi driver any more than you have an ex-girlfriend. You were driven by that taxi driver and involved with that woman.
This is what the no contact rule is all about. It’s about you calming down, recovering, feeling better and letting go of that relationship. It’s about disassociating your current self from your previous self. This is just one more person you’ve met on your life journey, and you’ll meet many more. You undoubtedly had some extraordinary and memorable times together in which you touched each other’s hearts. Now don’t be sad it’s over – be happy it happened.
So the no contact rule is a process – a stage in your life. By deciding to stop the harmful process of maintaining contact with her, you have made a conscious and targeted decision to remove that stress from your life. You have decided to reclaim control over your own happiness. You give yourself space to accept what has happened, where you are now and to let go of the feelings that were holding you back. You have made the first step towards moving on.
And then you end up in the now, as a better, happier and more present version of yourself, ready and able to make more of your life. To identify things that make you happy and to go out and do them. So change your phone number, turn off Facebook, block emails and get rid of pictures. Get out of town, the country or the continent. Follow the no contact rule diligently. Share with someone if you are feeling overwhelmed.
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