One of the most fulfilling events in our lives was the day we got married. Just recently I was talking to a couple who have been together for 82 years and it was interesting to hear the husband said, if he would live his life over again, she would be the one.
Unfortunately, many of us would be unwilling to make that kind of statement, we are just going through the motion, for some, we are asking ourselves the question, why? There are many reasons for a failing marriage, however, today we are going to be focusing on ways of saving your marriage, even if in your mind it is impossible.
Don’t Give Up.
Just as you cannot learn to drive by jumping into a race car, so couples need to be educated to succeed! It is the most sophisticated of all relationships, so don’t give up, tell yourself that as difficult as the situation becomes, stay in the ship.
Do not beg your Partner to stay.
In the history of the world, begging a partner to stay has never ended in a good result. Even if after all your pleading your partner agrees to hang out in the relationship a while longer, it’s only a matter of time before they will grow tired of the charade. Not only that, but begging is demoralizing.
Do not let your partner call all the shots
It is never too late in finding your voice in the relationship. You’ll have to be strong and firm but start saying you’d like your relationship to be fair. You don’t feel your ideas and decisions are taken seriously. If he or she tries to shrug you off, say, “no, if we’re in a relationship, I am going to make decisions as well, and I need you to respect me in this.” If that can’t happen and nothing changes consider taking a break – he or she may change their mind over time.
Be Strong, Smart & Positive
In the simplest sense, positive means good — or the opposite of negative. If you have a positive attitude about the relationship, for example, your partner is saying that the relationship is a mistake, that they cannot imagine why they got into it, that is a projection, it may not be that something is wrong with you, so to take on their negative energy is a sure way for a failed relationship. Sometimes you just have to get away and do something you enjoy doing instead of trying to fix it or fix you.
Work on Yourself
I would love to start this section by sharing an acronym. (PIES) Physical, Intellectual, Emotional & Spiritual. Work on Yourself means taking your energy, time and focus off of the personality-disordered individual in your life and restoring a more healthy balance where you spend an appropriate amount of time on improving your own situation, regardless of what the person who suffers from the personality.
Forgive your partner
To love someone and yet not being able to forgive them is an indication that you recognize the limitations of the person. This means that while you understand why (no matter how twisted) why a person did what they did, you cannot excuse their behaviour/action that was detrimental to you. Forgiveness is never about the person, it is about you. Learn the art of forgiveness and see the benefits it brings.
Stop Doing the things that destroy love
Criticism – Complaints are fine. Criticism is more global — it attacks the person, not their behaviour.
- Contempt – name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humour.
- Defensiveness – defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner.
- Stonewalling – Tuning out. Disengaging. All these are relationship killers, if you desist from doing these, your relationship will turn around in no time.
Marriage represents a multi-level commitment, one that involves person-to-person, family-to-family, and couple-to-state commitments. In all societies, marriage is viewed as a relatively permanent bond, so much so that in some societies it is virtually irrevocable.
It doesn’t have to feel like a death sentence, God created it and that is enough for me.
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