My lawyer called and said, “Your nisi was granted’ yippee! ‘It means you are divorced but the law gives you six weeks starting from the date on the nisi to re-consider. If you wish to proceed to the absolute to make the divorce final we can file that application on the date six weeks after the nisi period is completed. I was so excited about the news for some reason, finally!
When she hung the phone up, I just sat there with a million and one questions on my mind. Memories of the relationship, the good times, the fights and misunderstandings, what surprised me was the mix feelings I felt because, after those stressful emotions, I just wanted it to be done.
While I knew this was the best news in the world, I could not help but remember the different shades of her, that was the biggest surprise of all. I asked myself, why was I divorcing her again? It was so long that I was not sure why we were getting a divorce. Separation and divorce can trigger conflicting emotions. Some data revealed that there are two separate but overlapping adjustments: (a) to the dissolution of the marriage and (b) to set up a new life-style. Sources of significant adjustment problems reported by various segments of the sample included the legal system, lawyers, property settlements, children, the respondent’s social network, emotional-psychological adjustment, economics, and heterosexual (dating) relationships. Four hypotheses were also examined. These hypotheses examined (a) the effects of lingering attachment to the former spouse, (b) the degree of social interaction outside the home, (c) the role of dating relationships, and (d) the relative effects of sudden and unexpected separations. No one shared these things with you, but I was forced to do my own introspection and I was not sure I liked what I saw.
Emotions are not good or bad. When a couple divorces, the bad times they shared may be a recent memory, but there are times when each person feels vulnerable, lonely, or scared of the changes taking place. At these times, you may think of the good times. (Hopefully, they were not all bad!) Allow yourself these trips down memory lane. Don’t try to push down your emotions, but allow yourself to feel all the emotional stages of divorce. Expect that you will have your up’s and downs.
Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about such change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back because it is easier than facing the fact that you now have to rebuild your life. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce. Don’t let fear overtake your judgment.
Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Journaling is very helpful for most people undergoing a major life change. If journaling is not for you, then maybe you need a counsellor to help you deal with your emotions. It is helpful to have a professional you can tell your innermost feelings to, and never have to see again, when therapy is completed.
These are some of the things you need to take into consideration and it does help your mind-set for all those who are separated, thinking about divorce or divorced. My counsellor really helped, and even suggested me going to a support group, but to be honest after two meetings I decided against it because they all were bashing their ex, that was not my experience, it just seemed a group of persons who came together to have a pity party, sure it works for some, but it didn’t work for me.
Separation and divorce are about change, and we all may feel like it’s hard to feel centred, but following some simple tips, you would be surprised how the time can pass so quickly and you will cope and then go on to make a better/different life for yourself. I must be honest, I am the happiest I have ever been and you will be too.
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