We have all been there to an extent, your partner who you love is difficult to talk to, for some reason you feel you are not getting through to your partner when you talk to them how can you Understand Your Avoidant Partner?
Get in line, we have all been there. If your partner is an avoidant in any way then there are some things you need to know.
We all are searching for a deeper connection with the person we love, that can be difficult, especially if we too struggle with a difficult attachment, it is good to start with how to do an inventory of your feelings, before you go in guns blazing, telling your partner that they are not doing the right thing.
How can you move from self-doubting to self-understanding, providing your relationship with the right touch and knowing for sure if the relationship works for you or not and having the confidence to walk away if it is not working for you.
Some relationships will go on for years in a cycle of push and pull with no tangible results, leaving individuals frustrated and battered from years of emotional neglect and abuse.
Question: How can I talk to my partner about my needs without coming across as too needy and eventually scaring them off?
Answer: Before you talk to your partner about your feelings, the first thing to do is to do the introspection. Let us call this “Deep structure communication” Deep structure is what you wish to express and surface structure how you express it in with the help of words and sentence. To give you an example, If I were to tell you that “I bought colourful clothes”. This is a surface structure representing a more detailed and elaborate experience (deeper structure). It is very important to know how to talk to your partner without them focusing on your intonation and words that will take them away from what you actually would like to say to your partner.
Do you want to push your partner away or you would like to bring them closer to you? Some us are from a background of negative influence in the way we communicate, but if we are interested in relationship building then we may have to take a different approach to our relationship so before we open our mouths to our partners, let us first explore what we are feeling and what we would like to communicate that when the talk to our partners about our needs we are communication what we are feeling and not blaming our partner for what we feel.
Question: How can I rephrase my message to my partner so that it is emotionally safe for a conversation to take place. (Mutuality) is very important?
Mutuality is a positive, interactive relationship between people. The mutuality between you and your partner means there are good communication and a sense of understanding. You could also use the term reciprocity or cooperation instead of mutuality. The aim is to at all times communicate in a way that allows for your partner in understanding that you are interested in the team and just not your own needs to be met.
When you take that approach you will find that you will eliminate the awkward feeling you get when approaching difficult conversations because you will be aware of your subconscious agendas and your fear factors will not be the drivers of your thoughts and feelings. You will know how to decide what is the more authentic and right statement to make that will encourage intimacy instead of insight division.
You may still not get the reaction that you want, or the relationship connection you have always been hoping for, but that can come later because what is more important is the process. When you are less attached to the outcome, you are putting yourself in a better position to sleep at nights, your conscience will be your guide. What is important is, you were able to say what you wanted to say, in the right tone, using the right words and touch.
Question: Are my needs being met?
Most times we communicate our needs from a defensive position, but we do not realize it. We are so accustomed to being challenged, to being neglected that we start a fight even when a fight is not necessary, in fact, in an intimate relationship, having a conversation about your feelings should be a thing of beauty if your partner truly cares and loves you they should be willing to listen to your needs and embrace the information, but if you shout at them with your body language, roll your eyes and snort at the nostrils, chances are they are not going to hear a word. These attachment theories can provide some insight (theories).
When you are lacking something that you are feeling is a desire for more, your partner may or may not be able to provide you with this, but it is a conversation worth having, if you are holding your partner responsible for your lack of desire in the relationship/marriage then a discussion could lead to better understanding, but a conversation of ‘you make me feel‘ will always get derailed.
Our vibrational signature is very important. “I don’t have enough of” as against “I love this and I would like to have more of” will communicate the same but very different interpretation to the hearer.
Expressing Appreciation: When avoidant partners withdraw, let them. It may be painful to let them go temporarily but pursuing them is likely to make it take even longer before they come back around. Avoidant partners seek distance out of self-protection. … If an avoidant partner seems overly critical of you, you don’t have to take it on. You, on the other hand, can show appreciation for the little things. If you say to your partner, I am not getting enough of, or we can do more of this because I am starving and missing you and you are not stepping up the challenge. This will always break down your relationship, so instead, what about complimenting your partner on the little things, “I like that feeling, thank you for considering my feelings”.
A little reverse psychology is sometimes best with the avoidant by reminding the person that their neglect is not them if they are okay and the engaged person is what attracted you to them, always asserting their positives and allowing them the space to build on it.
Problem-solving: Hey I like talking to you about issues, you are always so considerate and I respect your opinion can start a storm of great conversations, instead of criticizing when things are not going great, by reminding the person that I do not like talking to you because we always end up arguing.
Understanding Your Avoidant Partner
Express what you do not like calmly, that you felt disrespected and that you think that when you connect it is great, that you do not like to be neglected and you think that the relationship has the ingredients to be great, putting hope in your partner is always a good thing, but remember when you are done doing that, be silent, do not guide them in how to respond, if they say something wrong or go about it in a way that you think is not what you were expecting, trust the process, they may go in a circle but they will come right back to the where you want them to be, connecting, nurturing and caring for the needs of the relationship.
That is what we are all looking for in our relationship, emotional connection.
This is especially done for one of my special clients… good luck and I know you can do it.
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